Human beings are hard wired to leap from observed data and experience to assumptions--judgments, interpretations and conclusions about what is going on.

This hard wiring derives from ancient parts of the brain which act very quickly and, in modern social situations, can grip people in strong emotions and faulty thinking.

One key step for resolving tensions is to set aside time to talk together about assumptions and what led to them, without the push to come to resolution.

We can ask questions like: Could you repeat back what you heard me say?; did you get my reasoning?; Here is what I heard you say, did I get that right?; What are you basing that on?

This is demanding to do in moments when people are gripped by emotion and convictions, especially in the midst of high stakes. It takes a lot of practice--more easily done when tensions are not as high. The rewards are that tensions can be transformed into a process of putting the "puzzle" of complicated situations together and coming to more creative solutions.

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Leaders today face “adaptive challenges”—complex problems where there are no easy answers.

As a result, leadership is “an improvisational art”—leaders do not assert solutions as much as they orchestrate a learning process to discover solutions not yet precisely known (Heifetz et al, 2009).

Compare leadership with the art of writing through the following quotes:

Leadership: “Everything you do in leading adaptive change is an experiment…Framing everything as an experiment offers you more running room to try new strategies, to ask questions, to discover what’s essential, what’s expendable and what innovations can work.” (Heifetz et al, 2009)

Writing: “A writer is not so much someone who has something to say as he is someone who has found a process that will bring about new things he would not have thought of if he had not started to say them.” (Stafford, 1978)

(1) have a clear definition of the operational problem or issue that started the change process and (2) formulate specific new behavioral goals." (Schein, 2004).

Change is about learning new behaviors to achieve specific goals. Just planning "cultural change" without such concrete guideposts risks being too nebulous and creating anxiety and resistance which inhibit learning.

Key approaches to facilitate motivation for learning which Schein emphasizes include: (1) engaging people in a compelling positive vision; (2) legitimizing the pain of unlearning old ways; (3) enabling participation in design of implementation; and (4) providing coaching, training, feedback, positive teamwork and other types of support.

How often do you deal with people at work who cause headaches due to what seem like deeply ingrained personality issues?

There is hope.

(See the full article online at Unexpected transformations. The following are brief excerpts).)

In the large majority of circumstances of such difficult behavior, situational factors are the predominant driving forces—not personality traits or even lack of skills.
Quite often, these situational factors are amenable to change.

Psychological research has shown that attributing difficult behavior to fixed personality traits as opposed to situational factors (the “fundamental attribution error”) is a pervasive and nearly automatic cognitive bias.

Becoming expert in leadership and teamwork requires life-long learning because the immense complexity and variety of work situations goes beyond rules and recipes.

Deciding how to intervene depends on constant adjustments based on certain theories, principles and methods. Learning requires a specific type of practice called "deliberate practice."

Based on research, some of the key elements of such practice include: goal setting; trial and error; focusing on a few specific "chunks" of techniques at a time; and “communities” (e.g. groups or teams) that provide reinforcement and high quality feedback. To find out more see the reference list on Deliberate Practice.

For negotiation, conflict and complex problems, a crucial maneuver is to set aside the drive to answers and explicitly create time for dialogue.

Distinct from debate (arguing views for and against) dialogue is “uncovering the hidden potential in any situation” (Isaacs, 1999). It is exploring all points of view together—even if in disagreement.

“Dialogue does not begin until someone is willing to give ground”--suspend certainty about and attachment to his/her own beliefs and express genuine curiosity in another’s view. (Yankelovich, 1999) This can happen….in our next conversation.

Research points to the employee-direct supervisor relationship as the most important variable in employee engagement which enhances a wide range of business and quality outcomes.

This challenges supervisors to juggle multiple ways of relating: they must assure clarity of roles and expectations and also seek opinions and provide encouragement and recognition (Buckingham, Coffman); even further (Zenger, Folkman) engagement is higher when supervisors seek two-way, not one-way feedback. This juggling of different relationship styles from managers is more likely if there is support from higher level leadership.

Undiscussables are strong drivers of fear in the workplace—a factor which undermines the performance potential of organizations. In this study (Ryan, Oestreich) involving 260 people from 22 organizations, the top category of undiscussables by far was “management performance, competence and interpersonal style” followed by co-worker performance.

This suggests that leaders can have a powerful impact on fear and quality of work environment by stepping forward to seek feedback about themselves. In fact, research has suggested employee engagement is significantly improved with two-way rather than one-way feedback in supervisory relationships. (See the blog post The most important variable for employee engagement.)

Helpful references:
On receiving feedback: Thanks for the Feedback by Stone and Heen, 2014.
On a key aspect of giving feedback that may be difficult to hear: Considering confrontation and challenge.