Research in positive psychology suggests that "how you celebrate is more predictive of strong relations than how you fight." (Martin E.P.Seligman Flourish, 2011)

Capitalizing on positive actions, experiences, and events to improve satisfaction, well-being and quality of relationships involves offering detailed, nuanced responses rather than the more common brief exclamation. Here are two types of situations and the recommended approach.

(1) When someone does something you appreciate, offer positive regard. (termed "ongoing regard" in Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey How The Way We Talk Can Change The Way We Work, 2001)

More powerful positive effect is achieved by offering behaviorally specific information rather than a brief, general response--e.g. "I really appreciate the way you took the time before our meeting to summarize the key supporting data. That really facilitated our decision making." This is in contrast to the relatively common "You did a great job!"

The detail in the first response is likely to feel more thoughtful and genuine than the more vague and global "great job." Also, starting with "I" rather than "You" makes it feel more like the speaker is offering potentially valuable information from experience for the receiver to consider rather than conferring some form of judgment. The latter can subtly diminish any intended positive effect.

(2) When someone reports experiencing a positive event, respond in an active-constructive way. Such responses have been linked by research to increased well-being and relationship benefits such as increased commitment and trust. (Shelley T. Gable et al in Advances in Experimental Psychology Vol. 42, 195-257, 2010)

As with positive regard, benefits are achieved by going beyond the more usual brief exclamation (e.g. "That's great. Congratulations.") and asking questions about the event, seeking additional details, elaborating on the possible implications and benefits for the discloser, and commenting on why the event is meaningful to the discloser in particular. Such responses are also more powerful when accompanied by conveying emotions of interest, happiness, or pride. (Gable et al, 2010)

Blind spots about our own leadership excellence are common. What are the barriers to seeing the best parts of ourselves?  How can we break through them to manifest our full potential?

(See the full article online at Blind spots about our own leadership excellence.The following are excerpts.)

Two important blind spots about excellence concern: (1).our personal strengths and (2) how we get things done “Amazingly few people know how they get things done. This may be an even more important question than ‘What are my strengths?’” (Peter F. Drucker in Managing Oneself Harvard Business Review, January , 2005) 

Examining stories about successful leadership interventions is an immediate way to capture information relative to these blind spots. But, without careful active listening from another person, I find leaders (including myself when I was an organizational leader) often recount events in such perfunctory ways that it is hard to capture specifics about strengths or actions. Without help from a colleague, friend or coach, it is very hard to see ourselves clearly in the midst of day-to-day action.

Even if a leader gains such clarity, it is easily lost in the midst of continuously difficult and complex situations. As a result, blind spots about our excellence tend to recur under stress. It helps to have other people's "eyes" on a regular basis to regain specific awareness about what we have done well. This renews energy to stay the course with the actions needed for success.

"It 's not the surprises in life that are so debilitating....we feel most vulnerable to change when we are surprised that we are surprised." (Daryl R. Connor, Managing at the Speed of Change Villard Books, 1992)

Individual and organizational change are rarely linear with an unbroken path to success. There are almost always unexpected problems, blind alleys, and failures which can make you feel like you are "going in circles" or "sliding backwards."

Such difficult feelings are more likely when we fall into thinking and acting like change is linear. This can happen outside of our awareness. Surprise then is unexpected. This puts us at risk for wasting emotional and psychological resources on feelings of failure, shame, and demoralization,

The key is to think of change as a spiral unfolding upwards--it feels like going in circles but there is steady progress forward. (Prochaska et al, Changing for Good Avon Books,1994) Expecting surprise, roadblocks, and set-backs increases our resilience to stay in action. In behavior change, "those who take action and fail in the next month are twice as likely to succeed in the next 6 months than those who don't take any action."  (Prochaska et al)

For more perspective, see the Blog post, Talk about the risks of change right from the start.